Lightly

Just realized my last several posts have been pretty heart heavy, not exactly afternoon reading material so I decided it was time for a lighter one.  This one is really more of a plea for help!

I have always been interested in healthy sustainable eating, but since A was diagnosed with all his food allergies, a healthy diet has taken on a whole new meaning.  He has to avoid so many foods and nearly all additives to any foods.  It has now become so much more important that we know exactly what is in our food and where it came from.  We have begun buying more of our food from local farmers in an effort to support the local economy, reduce the impact we have on the earth as well as be able to talk to the people who grow or produce our food.  We have also needed to explore local farms in order to find more options of foods since eliminating so many common foods from A's diet. You just simply cannot find elk or duck eggs in a supermarket but it is surprisingly easy to find from local farmers in the Midwest.  I have discovered so many new and delicious foods I would never have even heard of if not for the food allergies that have turned our household upside down.  Who knew my family would love quinoa, buckwheat, homemade Brazil nut milk and elk?

I am also learning to become a better cook and baker as nearly all of A's food must be made from scratch.  I have learned to make my own ice cream, crackers, salad dressing (homemade bleu cheese dressing is incredible and I don't even like bleu cheese dressing), laundry detergent, deodorant and toothpaste.  We are working really hard to eliminate as many toxins from our environment as possible by eating whole foods and using natural ingredients.  We have recycled for years, used cloth diapers, purchased local and organic foods, driven fuel efficient cars, run our thermostat on 60 degrees in winter and 82 degrees in summer, washed laundry in cold water and even raised our own chickens for awhile.  The one thing that has eluded me as a part of the sustainable lifestyle is growing my own food.  I absolutely cannot grow anything!  We have a very steep sloped yard so an actual garden isn't really possible.  I have tried to grow potted herbs and killed them. I have tried the upside down tomato planters things and no tomatoes ever appear on the buds.  I tried a strawberry pot and dropped it on our deck shortly after planting the seeds.  Terracotta pot in pieces all over the deck.  I absolutely do not have a green thumb.  I cannot keep any plant alive for more than a few days.  I would love for my kids to be able to pick fruits or vegetables and eat them straight from the garden but I am at a total loss at  how to do that.  I want to be able to teach our kids how to live lightly on earth.  I want them to have that connection to their food.  I want A to thoroughly enjoy the foods he CAN eat because he has helped to grow them himself.  I am open to any and all suggestions!

5 Years

Five years ago, I was in a small hotel in very rural  southern Viet Nam.  Our hotel looked out over the ocean.  My husband and I, along with four other families and three guides had spent the very long day in a hot van driving some 8 hours on only slightly paved roads through the picturesque country side of south Viet Nam.  Although the ride was rough, my eyes fixed on the world outside the van.  What lie outside those windows was some of the most beautiful scenes I had ever seen.  Rice fields, water buffalo, small homes, children and livestock lined the road.  We passed countless families traveling by motorbike on a road not large enough for two cars to safely pass each other.  We ended this long day with a surprise stop at our son's orphanage.  We were able to meet our baby for the first time.  In that moment our lives changed forever.  We were only hours from becoming parents, only hours short of being entrusted with this precious life forever.  Over the course of the past two days my life had become so much more than I ever imagined.  My journey to parenthood led me to this magical place.  The sights, smells and people of Viet Nam would be forever entrenched in my soul.  Viet Nam would become a part of who I am.  The sights along the country side painted a picture of poverty.  The plight of these families and of generations of people in Viet Nam before them often invades my thoughts now as we live our comfortable life in the suburbs with two cars, private schools and abundant food to fill us up.  I am struck by how joyous, optimistic and giving the Vietnamese people seemed to be in spite of how little some had.

A is doing well.  Five years later, he is growing and thriving.  Despite his grief and struggle to adjust to this new life, he initially experienced, he is now happy and peaceful.  He is very social and laughing all the time.  He has even adjusted to his new found allergies and diet with the grace and optimism I wouldn't expect from a 5 year old.  I am so proud of the person he is becoming.  We are still learning everyday how to be a family.  I am happy for the opportunities A will have here with our family.  However, my soul aches for all he will never know of Viet Nam.  I feel like we took something away from him,  I mourn for myself and for him.  I selfishly want to be back in Viet Nam as I was five years ago but I selfishly want him to be here with me.  I am so grateful for the past five years.  I hope I can give back to my son a fraction of the all he has brought to my life.

Adoption Day

It is the eve of the first anniversary of B's adoption day.  He has been home almost two years but we only finalized his adoption one year ago tomorrow.  It seems such a short time ago, I cannot believe nearly two years have passed.  As with any of the milestones and anniversaries we celebrate with our boys, I spend much of the day conflicted about how much to celebrate and how much to mourn.  Although it is a happy day for me as his parent, it really is a day of mourning for him.  His adoption signifies so much loss that has already in many ways clouded his short life.  Adoption is a loss, a loss of biology, of culture, of heritage and family that will never be replaced by our family or his American life.  As a lean over his bed to kiss him goodnight or bring him water for the third time as he fights going to sleep, my mind drifts to at least two women who would give anything to be in my place tonight.  I think how much his foster mom must miss him and how difficult it must of been to turn him over to strangers.  I vow tonight to send more letters and photos to her and attempt to reconnect.  I think how difficult it must have been for his birth mother to feel as if she had no choice but to place him for adoption.  I vow to write more letters and send more photos to her knowing full well she may never receive them.  This day is not a date either of those women know but they will fill my heart and thoughts throughout it.  I long to know them, to remember their faces and be able to tell him more of who they are.  I wonder what questions he will want answered as this day passes each year.  I wonder how to strike the delicate balance between the joy and grief this day represents.

New Blog

So, I am changing the blog again.  I switched everything over to wordpress a while ago, in a moment of frustration with google, only to find out the problem was with my computer and it's operator, not blogger.  Now I have decided to switch back.  This seems to be a great hindrance in my life with many things.  It drives my husband crazy.  I always have great ideas but have difficulty settling on a plan to follow through.  That combined with the ease at which I am bored makes for constant change in our world.  I decided wordpress was too complicated a format for what my blog needs (it was really just too difficult for me to navigate).  Therefore I have neglected my blog for sometime because it was just too confusing to try to do with it what I envisioned.  I also neglected it for several months because we as a family ended up living like pilgrims for the last several months until we finally moved back into the city.  Long story short, we were without cable and internet and only spotty cell phone service for sixmonths.  I cannot express how happy I am to be back in the city.  I am still  working to import the old posts back from wordpress.  I am hopeful to accomplish that by the end of the year.  So here it is, the new and improved One Sweet World blog.

Stay or Leave

We have been discussing where to move since putting our house on the market a few months ago.  Each time we talk about it, A tells us he wants to live in Viet Nam.  I am becoming increasingly unnerved by the recurrent request.  We have explained that since we are unable to speak the language it would be impossible for mommy and daddy to work in Vietnam.  He insists we can learn the language.

While it is no secret how much we love Vietnam, I am spending more time questioning our reason for not moving there.  Why not sell our home and most of our possessions and give this to our son?  Why not try something new?  Why not experience the food, the culture, the people in a way we will never be able to just by visiting?

My heart has longed to return to Vietnam for four years.  I have hungered to taste the dragonfruit, the durian and the <em>real</em><em></em> nuoc cham again.  I would love to see the beautiful landscape of the Mekong Delta everyday, to have my soul filled with the sounds of motor bikes honking and the smells of pho being prepared and served on the city streets.  I would give anything to be able hear the language spoken often enough to begin to understand their words.  I long to know more of the people who despite generations of chaos, war, poverty and foreign invasion of their homeland continue to approach each day, the world and others with an infectious joy and hope.

My heart longs to understand why A has been so consistent with this request.  Is he trying to tell me something more?  He knows so little of Vietnam and sadness fills me when I think of how little of Vietnam and it's culture, people and traditions he will be able to experience just by visiting.  We took him away from all of these things.   On the other hand would all of these things feel so special about Vietnam if we lived it each day?  Must it be something we only experience from time to time to preserve such special memories?

Happy Birthday to A!

Today is A's 5th birthday.  We celebrated with family, gifts and cake.  He did not eat one bite of either birthday cake.  I cannot believe how mature he has become over the past year.  He is becoming a great big brother.  He is a very active little boy who charms everyone with his happy nature.

The time since he joined our family has passed so quickly.  It is so difficult to celebrate the boys' birthdays without my mind traveling to Vietnam.  I wish with all my heart that I knew what this day was like for him and his birth family.  I wish I knew more of the circumstances surrounding his day of birth and what must have been a heart wrenching decision for his birth mom.  I wonder about the first few months of his life.  There are so many things I missed... so many things I will never know about that time.  I wish I could let his birth family know that he is always warm.  He always has enough to eat.  He always sleeps in a comfortable bed.  He is loved and respected and all his talents are encouraged.  He is smart.  He is funny.  He is happy!

Missing the Babies

Dear husband is starting a new job this week.  He is actually returning to his old job.  Therefore due to work and childcare conflicts  the boys are spending the week with grandma.  It has been three days since we have seen our sweet babies.  It has been wonderful to have free time, however I feel a little lost as to how to fill my days without two babies needing me to feed them, dress them, and break up their fights, read to them, brush their teeth and wipe their noses.

There are so many productive things I should spend my days doing while I have all the free time in the world to complete these tasks.

Here are the things I should be doing...

-cleaning the house

-making sure all the diapers are clean for B's return (he is wearing disposables at grandma's)

-giving the dog a bath

-preparing all our summer vegetables to have for meals through the winter

-going to the social security office to get a card for B

-paying bills

-birthday preparation for A

-school shopping

-exercising

-mowing the lawn (well at least helping dear husband mow the lawn)

-grocery shopping

Here are the things I have spent the past few days doing instead....

-Reading a new book I bought after spending an hour in the book store browsing books and drinking coffee

-blogging

-catching up on all the blogs I follow

-napping

-birthday shopping for A

-grocery shopping, leisurely, without the "get in, get out, keep everyone in the cart and all the food we are not buying on the shelves" mentality I usually grocery shop with

-watching cooking shows

-lunch with an friend

It turns out all those things I should be doing and try to balance accomplishing everyday just aren't worth doing without the interruption of little requests for help putting on shoes, something to eat, reading a book or just anything to spend time with mama.  I am really puzzled as I begin to wonder what exactly I filled my time with before these little babies came into my life.  It is so quiet and boring around here now.

I miss you A and B!  Can't wait for you to be home!